I don't like to show my unhappy and angry side, though it is there, and those who know me well would say it is not the smallest part of my personality. I have tried to be upbeat, I wont lie, it has been so people will like me. All my life I think I have had a desperation for approval, but aside from this, in my adult years I have also had a great desire to love and be loved. Through this blog I have wanted to share a bit of my life, of myself. I have sought people out who have meant something to me. I have been able to heal fragmented relationships, create new ones, find friendships I didn't know were there. I have been grateful for this blog, and for a time it provided me with great satisfaction. But lately, what is has provided me with is a sense of rejection and left a foul taste in my mouth. I have tried so hard to connect with people, to be genuine in my desire to be a part of their lives for no other reason than because they are people. Generally I like people, I enjoy showing them I like them. I don't understand some people, I have done absolutely nothing to any of you, to deserve the treatment I have received. I have had one slap in the face after another. What do you think, that I am plotting some evil scheme to gossip about you? Who am I going to gossip to? Don't you know I live in the middle of NO WHERE? I have a total of four friends that you don't even know! Yes I confide in my Mother, who on Earth DOESN'T? Regardless, why the hell are you afraid of her, because she is strong? Because she says what she feels, because she cares about peoples feelings? Because she LOVES people? It is pathetic. Do you think I only keep up on your lives to find the cracks and expose them? I am sorry but I am not that kind of person. If you had gotten to know me like I tried to help you to do, you would know that. I am tired of exposing so much of my heart to people, trying to allow them in, no strings attached, it has left me exhausted. I will not be keeping up this blog any longer. I am not taking names or e-mails, I wont be going private. My life up to this point is there for you, but you are now cut off as you have cut me off. I will continue to observe as that is the only course of action I can take that ensures I am no longer hurt by this trivial format of communication, it is like being in virtual high school, with rival clicks containing family members, it is silly. I wish I could not care about these things, but I do. I will be disabling comments as well, those who know me and truly care, have my email and can keep up with me that way. Know that I am here online still, as I have nothing else to do in the middle of no where. I will be reading. If you aren't absolutely sure this is not for you, than it is. I hate to be biter, and I am furious the actions of others have left me that way. I need to excuse myself now before it becomes a habit.
Blessings.
