Shut the Door

I don't like to show my unhappy and angry side, though it is there, and those who know me well would say it is not the smallest part of my personality. I have tried to be upbeat, I wont lie, it has been so people will like me. All my life I think I have had a desperation for approval, but aside from this, in my adult years I have also had a great desire to love and be loved. Through this blog I have wanted to share a bit of my life, of myself. I have sought people out who have meant something to me. I have been able to heal fragmented relationships, create new ones, find friendships I didn't know were there. I have been grateful for this blog, and for a time it provided me with great satisfaction. But lately, what is has provided me with is a sense of rejection and left a foul taste in my mouth. I have tried so hard to connect with people, to be genuine in my desire to be a part of their lives for no other reason than because they are people. Generally I like people, I enjoy showing them I like them. I don't understand some people, I have done absolutely nothing to any of you, to deserve the treatment I have received. I have had one slap in the face after another. What do you think, that I am plotting some evil scheme to gossip about you? Who am I going to gossip to? Don't you know I live in the middle of NO WHERE? I have a total of four friends that you don't even know! Yes I confide in my Mother, who on Earth DOESN'T? Regardless, why the hell are you afraid of her, because she is strong? Because she says what she feels, because she cares about peoples feelings? Because she LOVES people? It is pathetic. Do you think I only keep up on your lives to find the cracks and expose them? I am sorry but I am not that kind of person. If you had gotten to know me like I tried to help you to do, you would know that. I am tired of exposing so much of my heart to people, trying to allow them in, no strings attached, it has left me exhausted. I will not be keeping up this blog any longer. I am not taking names or e-mails, I wont be going private. My life up to this point is there for you, but you are now cut off as you have cut me off. I will continue to observe as that is the only course of action I can take that ensures I am no longer hurt by this trivial format of communication, it is like being in virtual high school, with rival clicks containing family members, it is silly. I wish I could not care about these things, but I do. I will be disabling comments as well, those who know me and truly care, have my email and can keep up with me that way. Know that I am here online still, as I have nothing else to do in the middle of no where. I will be reading. If you aren't absolutely sure this is not for you, than it is. I hate to be biter, and I am furious the actions of others have left me that way. I need to excuse myself now before it becomes a habit.

Blessings.

Lonely Luggage

I have arrived. I didn't cry when I saw my parents there at the gate of my flight, I laughed. There was my Mother beckoning Claralynne, Clara stopped in her tracks four feet from my Mother's awaiting arms. You could see the ponder surrounding her little blond head, "I know this lady...how do I know this lady....?" then it hit her and she ran in for the hug at full speed, it was precious. My Dad quickly swept James out of my arms and we spent the next hour and a half leaving the airport. Halfway through the drive from the airport to the house, I realized I had not personally received a hug, and was delighted to know that my children were so very loved by these two people they could possibly forget to put their arms around me! It was a day of extremes. Extremely long trip, extremely happy arrival, up extremely late, to bed extremely tired, all worth the look on my Brother's face when he grabbed up the first boy in the family since himself.

A word on traveling alone with two small children....never mind I am at a loss for a single word that captures the magnitude of....and I am at a loss for another word to describe the feelings. So here are multiple words: Stressful, exhausting, crowded, loud, embarrassing, heavy, slow, hot, uncomfortable and very very long.

Here are some fun things that happened: My children both screamed a lot, and this is long before the flight even took off. In snowed in Denver so the pilot decided we might need to divert to Washington D.C. YAY! Oh wait never mind, we aren't going to divert we are just not going to take any luggage, 5 minutes before we lift off I have an epiphany "NOT EVEN MY CAR SEATS!?" so we got delayed about ten minutes more on top of the 30 we had already been waiting. I could feel the glares from the passengers surrounding me, like I had a choice about it all..."It's alright never mind I will just hold them both for the two hour drive home in the snow, I am sure we will be fine." Sheesh. My luggage got delivered to the house the next day, but I spent the entire flight stressing about how I was going to get my bags, which was a pain, you can imagine. I don't know why they couldn't take them, something about bad weather, fuel, and weight...you got me.

It is my husbands birthday today and he is spending it all alone. That makes me cry a little inside. He is 24.

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday my dear love....

Rhinocerosinusitusaurus

I recently found out, I have had a sinus infection for over a year....and I am wondering...how do you miss something like that? Isn't the always getting sick, never better for more than a week, antibiotics don't fix it, even when given intravenously, and so on, all pretty obvious clues? My Mother kept telling me she thought there was something more to all of it, when I would get better from my current cold, only to jump right back into Kleenex, Sinex and vapor rub a week later. But who can trust their Mom to be on the look out for their health right? Especially those that are nurses. DA UHH! The epiphany moment was an interesting experience. Here is me, many swear words floating through my brain bouncing off my congested sinuses, "Holy Mother of Toast. I have been sick three times this month....does it get any worse than that? Do I know anyone who has been sick three times in a month? I am thinkin' not...wasn't I sick last month too...hmm maybe my blog will tell me....yup I was sick last month too.....hmmm as well as the month before....OH YEAH! Remember when you got back from Utah, you were sick like three months straight....and when you were almost due to have James, you really didn't want to still be sick when you went into labor....and you were....and.......holy crap, how long has this been going on!!!!! Oh my farts for the love of January!!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING?" And so forth.

Now I get to take a real boxing champ of an antibiotic for a month. 21. Days ! I am terrible at remembering to take drugs, why don't they make them addictive????? Hello!!!! SAL OOO TION! Not really. But really, anyone have any suggestions? It has been a day and a half since I got the script and I have already forgotten to take pills once today....I blame my congested rhinocerosinsitusauruses.


I also have to tell of the fabulous word I made up while conversing with my cousin Tiff a while ago. Whilst chiding her for having not read the Twilight series yet, I proclaimed that such blasphemy was sacreadigious HA HA HA HA HA!



And this is Aubrey on sleep deprivation.

At Play

When I got pregnant with James, I was very afraid. I had thought we were ready for Claralynne, and I realized later that though we were ready enough, we could have stood to be more ready. With James I did not feel any of us were ready at all. I was not ready to have to divide my time and not be able to give Claralynne as much attention, nor did I feel she was ready for that, she was still a baby. I didn't want to give up nursing her. I wasn't ready for our lives, just having reached some from of organization, to be up heaved and thrown back to square one. I remember when I would feel overwhelmed at the thought of all these things looming in the near future, I would comfort myself by imagining what great friends Clara and the new baby would be. I would picture them playing together, our family growing. I tried to amp myself up with thoughts of Clara and James being wonderful playmates.

My Mom has often told me that a large reason she wanted Heather was so I would have someone to play with, so I adopted this mentality, and I felt a lot better about the unplanned baby. Of course all the things that I feared did indeed happen. I did give up nursing Clara, sooner than I had wanted, my time with her did become instantly divided, and our little family of three got turned upside down when we became four. I was afraid I couldn't love the new baby as much as I loved Claralynne, the moment I saw his vernixy little face, I realized what a silly thought that had been. Now eight months later, so many things that I had tried to comfort myself with, all those fun imaginary play time scenarios are my everyday real life. They do play so well together. We can see how much James adores Claralynne, when she giggles he giggles, sometimes he giggles at her for no reason at all. When she is dragging him across the floor by his feet, he is in seventh heaven, Clara isn't very good at sharing but he doesn't mind. They are great friends, I didn't imagine that. I hope it stays, they wont always get along I know, but I hope they are the kind of siblings who lean on each other, go to each other when no one else understands. I hope they can always enjoy each other as they do now.

Here are some fun playtime photos.

John Williams

I have to further my last post. At the end of the song in the video, "John Williams is the man!" is sang with exclamation. I had no idea what an extraordinary composer he is. He composed every theme song used in the Star Wars video, which where the following, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Indiana Jones, Superman, E.T., Jaws and Jurassic Park. This was enough to floor me, but when I wiki-ed him, I was even further astonished. This man is probably one of the most influential composers of our time. Not only did he compose all those themes, but many other of the themes people most readily identify with. Aside from the entire Star Wars score, including the series' most recent three, including the chilling choir piece everyone loves to try and screech! He also composed the score for the first three Harry Potter films, including, of course the theme now synonymous with the films. The list of scores he has composed goes on and on. The entire score for Schindler's list, Home Alone, Hook, Seven years in Tibet, Amistad, Saving Private Ryan, Memoirs of a Geisha, Munich, as well as adapting the score for the film version of Fiddler on the Roof. If that wasn't enough for you, he has also composed for 4 Olympics, 1984, 1988, 1996 and naturally 2002! He has won 20 Grammys, 4 Golden Globes, and 7 Academy Awards and 40 Academy Award nominations. He shares being the second most nominated individual with Alfred Newman another very impressive composer. Who is the first you ask? Well Walt Disney of course!

John Williams really is the man!

Star Wars

I keep posting all these videos! But this is seriously the coolest thing ever. Should put some videos up of my kids eh? Or at least some photos, man am I lame. An E ways. Maybe some updates....Put Clara in a big girl bed, and had NO problems! Except having to jail her to her room....having thoughts of Kateka.....also got James' room all set up and he is in the crib, which is a huge relief! I am headed off to Denver in a few weeks to stay with my family for a while, get my fill of them for the next year streak I got missing them :( Not sure when I am going to come back but somewhere in the vicinity of a month to a month and a half. I can't even tell you how excited I am to just sit with my Gramma and watch T.V. while she holds my little man, or lay in bed with Mom and Dad, relaxing to Pride and Predjudice, I know we will do it, and it makes me bubble up with happy inside!

Julie Andrews and Carol Burnett

This makes me smile and giggle! You gotta watch through to the end, and watch both!

For you Mom and Dad.




Here is some fun info, about these two great ladies!

Julie Andrews was born Julia Elizabeth Wells. She took on the surname Andrews when she left her Father's care and joined her Mother and Step-Father Barbra and Ted Andrews. In her early years Julia acquired perfect pitch, an ability shared with people such as Frank Sinatra, Barbra Streisand, Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles.

Julie, was the original Eliza Doolittle, in the Broadway musical My Fair Lady, but was - to her dismay - denied the role on film because she lacked the proper amount of fame to secure a box office hit. The role was given instead, to Audrey Hepburn who had never made a cinematic flop. That year Julie received a Golden Globe nomination for best actress in a lead role, for every ones favorite nanny, Mary Poppins. Audrey Hepburn was nominated as well, for her role as Eliza Doolittle. Julie went home with the Golden Globe and an Academy Award for best actress, an award, Audrey Hepburn was not even nominated for. In Julie's famous acceptance speech for the Golden Globe, Julie said "My thanks to a man who made a wonderful movie, and who made all this possible in the first place, Mr. Jack Warner." Jack Warner was the head of Warner Brothers Studios, and had been the one to deny Julie the role of Eliza, allowing her to go on to make Mary Poppins and movie history.

Carol Burnett a Hollywood native born in Texas, started her college career as a Journalism major, with much encouragement from her alcoholic Mother. Carol quickly changed her mind and turned her energy towards theater and English, in the hopes of becoming a play write. During her pursuit she quickly fell in love with performance, having been in many productions at the University of California, Los Angeles. In hopes of perusing acting further she and her boyfriend packed up for New York, with the generous funding from an early and faithful fan, they met at a cocktail party. One thousand dollars in hand, she made her way to New York, and onto the stage. From the stage, in shows, such as Julie and Carol at Carnegie Hall, co-starring Julie Andrews, Carol rose to the small screen. She made fast friends with Lucille ball, who also became an influential mentor. Lucille sent flowers to Carol for her birthday every year, including Carol's 56th, which was also the day Lucille Ball died. The note in the flowers said "Happy Birthday, Kid. Love, Lucy."

Carol went on to make her wildly praised and hilarious Carol Burnett Show, despite the networks disbelief a female could be successful with a variety show. Probably most memorable from the Burnett show was the homage Carol paid at the end of each show, to her Grandmother who raised her. Carol would sing her goodnight song, and close with a tug on her left ear, this was a sign to her Grandmother, she was doing well and that she loved her, a tradition Carol carried on, tearfully at times, even after her Grandmother's passing. After the end of the Burnett show, Carol went on to make a few films including my favorite Annie, where she played the cantankerous role of Miss Hannigan. Today Carol is 75, she lives in Hawaii and Santa Fe. I imagine she draws cartoons, in her spare time.